You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
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Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
And then there were 4
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Why is no one talking about this?!
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good