You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
New Tinder profile.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.