You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”