You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.