You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
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trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?