you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.