You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Worst perfume name ever.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?