You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train