You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.