You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Goodnight 🐶
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.