You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Well well well…