You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
this is me
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason