Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
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Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.