You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.