You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.


Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.


At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it


I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…


My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.


Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.