you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
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my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco