You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
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I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Life hack
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.