You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
You Might Also Like
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
oh you wanna fight?!
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*