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Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Good morning!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Oh. My. God.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
