You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
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Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My birthstone is kidney
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.