You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
You Might Also Like
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
thinking about a very short hotdog
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs