You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
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Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Taliband
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands