Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

*swipes right on my hand mirror

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing