You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
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*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff