You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
what the
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!