You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞