“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
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Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.