You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*