You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I’m already scared
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there