You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Just this preview of the story is enough
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.