You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Whoa 😂
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50