you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
You Might Also Like
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.