You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I love twitter
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?