You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like