You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”