Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

can’t believe I got front row seats

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.