You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉