You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
this is the most humiliating day of my life
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week