You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Brilliant!
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.