You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!