you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
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Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*