You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
saw this in a dream
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time