you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War