You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
You Might Also Like
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Cat.
Best spoiler warning ever
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited