@jojipaints

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

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@EndhooS

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

@girl_a_whirl

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

@Stealx

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

@nicfit75

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

@liljonlovitz

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

@notalogin

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

@MrJeberling

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

@TheWeirdWorld

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

@DanMentos

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

@HowToBeADad

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.