You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

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[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…


{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs


Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar


My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.


WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look


Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.


“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.


If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.


“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
And a medium?
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager


I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.