@jojipaints

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

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@iwearaonesie

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

@sixfootcandy

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

@skittle624

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

@Bizarro_Mark

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

@chuuew

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

@leannuh

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

@thtchicmichelle

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

@QwertyJones3

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.