You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
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Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”