YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
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I don’t get marriage
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I am, perchance
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking