@texasstalkermom
@OrdinaryAlso pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
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@OrdinaryAlso 
@holman The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
@craydrienne Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
@Erin1137 You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
@drewjanda Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
@CourtneyBale Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
@thecoliny DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
@seamussaid I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
@AlexKaan47 Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
@VibesBummer I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?