You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??