You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
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I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.