You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Always
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.