You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
*serious situation*
My brain:
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
the way this pissed me off… 😭
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.