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I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.