You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I want this so bad
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need